Watch before you read: https://youtu.be/YPRZaP1ViAM
It was two months into second semster and the counseling office had a booth in the hallway for mental health checks. I went to the booth and took the test thinking I was at prime happiness. I passed the GPA threshold to return to second semester, I had somewhat accepted J and I would never speak to each other again, and I was on my grind...well at least I thought. I took the mental health screening and handed it back to the counselor with a smile on my face, but all I remember was him looking at me with the most concerned eyes on earth and said, "I think you should make an appointment to come see me." I was perplexed because he handed me my assessment and to my surprise the results were depressed, anxious, and more depressed.
I scheduled an appointment thinking I would have a conversation about school and I would be done. Next thing you know I am in there for an hour crying my eyes out. Honestly, it was quite refreshing and well needed. I met with the counselor for the rest of the semester and I was so glad to have let those subconscious thoughts out of me. He really helped me understand the toxicity of the situations that took place in my life and that it is okay to grieve a friendship, situationship, failed relationship, entanglement, etc (basically, its okay to grieve a loss no matter how unimportant or easy to get over it seems to someone else).
I found counseling really intriguing because here I am really pouring my heart out to a middle aged, bald, white man. I just never imagined, but I am so glad I did. With that being said I really was actually happy and on my grind. I had so much more confidence, but I did not foresee what was coming next...
So the law school I attended has GPA requirements to make it through each year. You have to have a 1.5 to make it to the second semester of your 1L year and a 2.0 to make it to your 2L year (this is not terrible for law school). Furthermore, we were graded on a C curve (other schools are graded on a B curve; meaning our GPA's are low, so low that they give us a GPA explanation form to attach to applications for scholarships and jobs).
I finished second semester and started my summer internship at a social justice nonprofit and law firm. My dream opportunity! I was being mentored by some boss black lawyers and community organizers, meeting new people, and honestly feeling good. Then grades were released. I was hype, I had a B in Property (I never thought I would see a B a day in my life in that school). My other grades were rolling in and I needed 1 point to have a 2.0. I had never gotten anything less than a C so far so I did not think I had anything to worry about. Weeeeelllll I got a D+
That was it, I was stuck at a 1.9, and I saw what I thought was my failing future flash before my eyes.
I have never felt that type of disappoint, shame, and sadness ever in my life. Oh and the anger, let's not forget about the anger!! Anger stuck with me way longer than I expected, but we will get into that in another post. I did not know what to do, so what I did was lock myself in my room and did not come out. My roommates didn't see me, I didn't answer the phone, I didn't text back, I didn't eat. It took my mom and my cousin to come rescue me because for me I was a total failure and I didn't deserve to be seen.
After several days of being disconnected I got enough courage to go to the school and talk to my professors. Doing this ended up making me more angry. I went in there expecting them to tell me I'm a failure, you can never be a lawyer, you suck, go find another career path. However, I got the total opposite. They said, "Yeah Ms. Haynes I wasn't expecting this, you were not on our list, you did good in my class, I just wanted to see a little more in this essay and I would've given you another point, your grades significantly increased from last semester." I have even heard rumors of one particular professor telling people in the past to go find another career path this is not for you, so at least I thought he would say it to me, but he didn't.
Ya'll!!! Like what!!! How can you tell me I can't come back to school next year and tell me I am a good student all in the same sentence?
I was literally stuck and that's where I will leave ya'll...
Mood: Overwhelmed - Chole x Halle
Find out what happens next in Journey to J.D. Part 3: Plan B
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